Yesterday I went to the doctor. I was very excited about it when I woke up because they was doing an ultrasound and I would get to see my precious baby again. Once I got there and they started the ultrasound everything went downhill. I could see the sac on the screen but their wasn't anything in it so I asked the woman doing the ultrasound if maybe that was the cyst that they had found on my ovaries during my last ultrasound. She replied with a no thats your placenta. My reply was where is my baby. She was quiet for a moment then she told me that she was only taking the pictures that the doctor would review the results for me. I knew something was wrong. If I would've known that this was going to happen I wouldn't have went to the doctor alone. But my mom was out of town and I had no one else that I wanted to be there with me so I decided to go by myself. After the ultrasound I was asked to wait in the waiting room. It was the longest 10-15 minutes of my life. Finally the nurse called me to the back and told put me in a room. I had been trying very hard not to let my emotions get the best of me in front of all the people in the waiting room and I finally broke down. The nurse was very nice and tried to make me feel better but I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't going to be good. I felt so alone. I wanted my mom to be there with me. Finally, the doctor come in and gave me the bad news. There was no fetus in the placenta and they wan't registering a heartbeat either. He said that he wanted me to come back in next week for another ultrasound and we would go from there but that it was likely if my body hadn't registered that I had lost my baby by then that I would have to have a D&C done. I was devastated. He said that he thought that the pregnancy had been all wrong from the beginning and that their was some chromosomal problem when the sperm and egg came together. This is the second baby that I have lost. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I mean I'm a religious person and I know God does everything for a reason and he won't put nothing on me that I can't handle but why? All I've ever wanted is to get married and have a baby. I left my husband because we could not get along and not long afterward I lost my baby. I feel like I am being punished for not trying harder to make my marriage work. My husband is not really a bad person I mean everyone makes mistakes. It just so happened that he and I brought out the worst in each other. We just wasn't meant to be. I really don't think that God is punishing me for that but sometimes that's how I feel. I've tried for so long to have a baby and I never could get pregnant. Finally, after I get married, I'm blessed with a pregnancy and only a few short weeks after I leave my husband I lose my baby. Technically I still haven't lost it but I saw the ultrasound and there is no baby there it was just an empty placenta. :( So should I still have hope that maybe the baby was hiding from the ultrasound tech? I don't think that I should put myself through that. I took it pretty hard yesterday when I found out but I'm doing much better now. I don't think it has fully hit me yet. Everytime I go to the bathroom I'm scared I'm going to finally miscarry and lose it all. It's kind of miserable. Today wasn't so bad I've only cried once and surprisingly writing this blog I'm not shedding any tears. I think it'll be a lot harder next week if they have to do the D&C because then I know it will finally be over. I don't know when I'll be able to get pregnant again. I hope that I do get to have kids though because there is nothing that I want more in life. I've always wanted kids. I believe that is the hardest part of this for me. Not knowing whether or not I'll ever be able to carry full term. My mom had the same problems. She had several miscarriages before and in between me and my sister. One of which she lost at five months. I'm glad that they caught this early on but still I was so looking forward to holding my little angel. To being a mother... I know my time will come eventually. I just want it all to happen right now. I will stay strong though. My baby is with God now. I didn't get to meet him/her but I'll meet them at Heaven's gate when I join him/her. That will be in the far future of course but I have to stay postive. I don't like being a negative person. I'm going to stay strong for myself and my angel. I only knew about him/her for about 7 weeks but I was the happiest I've ever been in those few short weeks. I can't let this bring me down though.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6
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