Change...

Where do I even begin? A lot has been happening... Today makes exactly a month since I lost my baby :( I'm still taking the emotions day to day but I'm coping with it... My family and few friends have been a blessing in my time of need... and we can't forget about Papa Smurf (for those of you that don't know he's my stuffed penguin lol) July 15 made two months since my husband and I split up :( it was a very rough day for me... I was very upset the entire day and I kind of got to a point to where I wanted to work things out with him... The thought of going through a divorce at age 23 and after only being married for a month and a half scares me :( I don't like divorce and I don't want marriage to be like that for me... I want to find someone and settle down and I want it to last indefinitely... I didn't want to just throw in the towel so quickly like I was trying to do but when I brought it up to Steven he told me that he loved me and missed me but that we were better off just friends... Maybe he's right but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts and scares the heck out of me :(... Things with Michael and I are not the best I mean we've reached a wall... Whether or not we climb over it I suppose we'll see I'll definitely keep you updated... Its mostly just me because he's been great... I just think that maybe I jumped into another relationship much too fast after Steven and I didn't give myself time to properly get over him... I'm definitely NOT over him that's for sure... I admit Michael is a blessing... He's my boyfriend and my best friend and it would be completely awesome if we can get passed all of this but there's no way of knowing for sure... I really wish that I could just do me for a little while... Get myself together and then try and worry about being in a relationship... I find that very hard to do though because I don't like being alone... I'm so scared of becoming the crazy cat lady on the block lol... I want love and happiness... Michael thinks that he's letting me down but it isn't him... I'm letting myself down because I rush into things to quickly... Don't get me wrong I care about him I just think that we've only been together for a month and there has already been talk of marriage and kids and me moving AGAIN to be with him in Wisconsin... I'm scared to leave again :( Every time I leave I end up right back home shortly after... I try and move away and get on my feet and I'm knocked back down before I can even get back up... So I end up moving back home... The talk of marriage and kids is futuristic of course but its still much to soon to be talking about stuff like that... I mean first I lost my husband (my fault of course because I left him... big mistake) and then not long after I lost my baby... I've had marriage and "kids" and I lost it... Maybe this is God's way of telling me that it isn't the time for all that for me right now... I need to focus on Tiffany for a little while... Stop making my world revolve around my relationships... Time for me to help myself and stop waiting for someone else to help me... Becoming independent is very hard so definitely wish me luck and I need all the prayers I can get :/

Day From Hell!!

I don't know why but I've just been in one of those moods today... I woke up feeling all groggy from the sleeping medicine that I took last night to make me sleep... My nephew Aidan and "niece" Ali stayed with us for the last two days and they have been fighting non-stop the whole time lol driving me and my mom insane... Then I had a doctors appointment to checkup from the D&C they did two weeks ago... I was late (go figure)... They put me in the same room that they had me in when they gave me the results from the ultrasound saying I was going to lose the baby... I told my doctor how I've been feeling lately... I don't want to be around others and I stay locked up in my bedroom all by myself... The only person I want to have contact with is Michael... Well he decided to try me on antidepressants... Zoloft to be exact... The last time I was on antidepressants they made me more emotional than I was before I even started taking them... My psychiatrist in Washington told me that I didn't need medications because there was no chemical imbalance... I don't know but I guess I'm going to give it another go... I'm just ready to move with Michael because I miss him so much and it would've been really nice to have him there today... I'm lonely and I just want someone to hold me :(... I guess it won't be that hard to wait like two months but it still sucks... I'm thinking that the doctors visit is what spiraled my day into hell... Probably because they put me in that room and it brought back a lot of pain... After we left the doctors office we brought Aidan home to my sister and then came home ourselves... My back was killing me from all the riding we had to do... Apparently Michael hasn't had a good day either because when I got home and called him he had a lot to tell... I felt bad because I started an argument with him that never should have been started to begin with... I was being selfish :(... We made up of course and it didn't last long but I still feel bad for taking my bad day out on him because it was obvious he was having a bad day as well... I had a nice long cry and then tried to fix things with him... It wouldn't have been so bad if we could have just been there for each and not so far apart but all in due time... I'm just glad he didn't run away screaming like everyone else does when I have a bad day and take it out on them... My mom has even had to deal with my moodiness today... I've been a little too snappy for my own good... So once again I'm just going to stay shut up in my room lol... On top of everything that happened to me today, Michael's computer crashed so now I have to wait until it's fixed to Skype with him :( It's very very sad :( Things will get better though... It's just a bad day... Hopefully tomorrow will be much better <3 I'm sure it will be... But TODAY HAS DEFINITELY BEEN A DAY FROM HELL!!! LOL 

Looking Up

UPDATE: I'm still struggling, dealing with my miscarriage... I take it on a day to day basis... I'm not losing hope though because I know that when the time is right then I'll have kids... Now just wasn't the time... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for a checkup from the D&C... I hope it goes well... I finally got in touch with JAG about my divorce... They didn't tell me much but he said that I was entitled to money from Steven and that he should be giving me at least $700 a month until the divorce is finalized... JAG told me to write a letter to Steven's commander if he didn't start sending me any money... I don't really WANT anything from him but I need the help so I'm not going to turn it down... I still haven't told him that I'm seeing someone else yet because I was waiting for him to get the divorce papers filed first... We've talked about it and I told him that I hoped he could move on and find someone else... And I know he's on dating websites because I've found him on there just being curious... He's actively seeking another long term relationship and he isn't telling him that he's married... He doesn't even use his real name... He goes by Ray... I'm not even trying to use that against him though... I don't want there to be drama and I definitely don't want to have to go to court... I just want to sign the papers and have it all over with... JAG also told me that if Steven doesn't file for divorce then in October I can go file myself here in Louisiana... But I talked to Steven earlier today and he told me that he is going next week to talk to JAG where he is so hopefully they will be of more assistance than they were down here... I'm not going to play his games though... If he doesn't go talk to them or start sending me the money he's supposed to send me then I'm going to take matter's into my own hands... I'm tired of being walked all over... But off of that subject...


My life is looking up... I mentioned in prior posts that I was seeing someone... He just recently came down and visited me and we had an amazing time together... I have definitely fallen for him... Without a doubt...  I wish that I would've gave him a chance back when we were stationed together... Both of our lives could have been so much different... But I think that if we would've tried to have been together back then it wouldn't have worked out... I was a totally different person back then... I've changed quite a bit over the last couple of years... I'm finally becoming the woman that I want to be... I see a very bright future for me and Michael though... He's asked me to move up to Wisconsin with him in September/October when he gets his own place and I told him that I would... I'm very much looking forward to it... He only left yesterday and I miss him already... I was proud of myself... When we dropped him off at the airport I didn't cry :) I really don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him though... I was starting to slip into this depression when I first found out I was going to lose my baby and he brought me back up and was there for me... And he's been there for me everyday since then... Keeping me positive and giving me hope for the future... I would probably be an emotional wreck everyday if I didn't have him and I'm very grateful that GOD answered my prayers and finally sent me such a great guy... I really am starting to believe that he's my soul mate... he's everything that I've ever wanted and so much more and when I'm with him I feel complete like there's no where else in the world I'd rather be... He's my best friend... I see a very bright future for us indeed!!... My heart was broken and tattered and he's taken it and began to help it heal... I trust that he will never hurt me... He already treats me like a queen... I don't think I've ever been with anyone that treated me so good... I'll never let this one get away... I hope that their are many more blogs about him on here... MANY MANY MORE!!! <3