I Won't Ever Give Up

So I'm supposed to be "taking it easy" for a little while to recuperate from the surgery... I don't want to take it easy... I just want to wake up from this nightmare and still have my baby growing in my belly... All I've ever wanted was a baby and I finally had one and it was taken away from me... I know I will have other children but I'm ready to be a mommy now... It hurts to think about being so close to having my wonderful bundle of joy and then all of a sudden its gone... So I talked to my husband for the first time since we seperated Friday night... I didn't notify him of the miscarriage because I was told I needed to wait until after he was finished his training... His mom ended up telling him though... He called me and was very upset... I didn't realize it would affect him the way that it did... I regret not sending him a Red Cross message as soon as I found out  but I was only taking the advice of others... I guess I was cut out to be an Army wife after all... Talking to him brought back a lot of emotions but I still haven't changed my mind... I still want a divorce... I think he realizes this now too... He and I was just not meant to be together... I think that if we would've only waited a few weeks to get married then we both would of realized this ourselves... Instead we went against everyone telling us to hold off and jumped into getting married... Steven is a great person and I hope that we will be able to be friends when all of this is over with... I want him to find someone that will treat him right and someone he is meant to be with... I'm doing the same... I'm moving on with my life... I have a wonderful boyfriend and he treats me better than anyone has ever treated me in a relationship... Some people say that I am moving on to fast but the way I see it is I'm not... I was only married to Steven for about a month in a half... I only knew him for about two months... That was not nearly enough time to have an attachment to him... Yes he was my husband but most everyone will agree that our marriage never should've happened... I was hoping that when we split that we could just get it anulled but everyone I talked to about it said that we had to have a divorce... Regardless I don't regret meeting him, I don't regret being with him, and I will never ever regret getting pregnant by him... It was all lessons learned and I will forever cherish the baby that we never got to meet... I don't know what's going to happen with my new relationship... I'm not trying to rush into anything like I did with Steven but I am very happy right now... I hope that Steven has found or will find a happiness like I have with Michael... I've known him for a couple years now and he's always been a great guy... I was just blind and didn't see him in a romantic sort of way... Then right after I found out from the doctor that it was likely I was going to miscarry he was there for me when no one else wasn't... It was only on Skype of course but regardless he was there for me and when I didn't think a smile would cross my face he kept one there... It's a long distance relationship but if everything works out, you never know... I  might just move to where he is... We'll cross that bridge when we come to it :)... He's like my light at the end of the tunnel <3... There is hope for me yet... I will never give up on anything... On love... On having children... On anything... I can't let the trials and tribulations of life bring me down... I won't ever give up!!!

Miscarriage! :(

So Tuesday morning around 3 am I started cramping I ended up going back to sleep bc I was tired but then at around 6:30 I woke up again and the pain was unbearable... I went to the bathroom and realized that I was bleeding rather badly so I woke up my mother and she got a shower and we headed up to the emergency room. They took me back almost immediately. I'm glad we got there when we did bc the pain really started. They wouldn't give me anything for the pain until after they did the ultrasound and got the results back. It got so bad that they ended up having to give me morphine. I felt like I was in full labor. I was so grateful that my mom was there with me considering she had been on vacation when I found out that the baby wasn't there anymore. She had just gotten home from vacation on Monday. They wanted to give me pain medicine and send me home but I refused and requested that I be kept overnight until I could see my doctor the following day. I am definitely not one to tolerate pain so well. By around 4:00 my doctor come in and said that he was going to try and get me in for surgery so that he could get me home and out of the hospital. They put me under anestesia and before I knew it I was being wheeled into recovery. It all happened so fast. I can barely remember the events of the day except that I was in a lot of pain. I know my Aunt, Cousin, and my cousin's little girl (my niece) came to visit. And when I come out of surgery my dad had come to make sure I was okay. I am so grateful for the family that I have. It has been very hard to stay strong through this but from the support of my family and the best man a woman can ever ask for I have been able to hold my head up and not let it bring me down. Don't get me wrong I have my moments where I just want to break down but then I think about it and I know my baby is is a better place. I also know that this isn't the end for me and that I will have a baby one day, hopefully more than one. Now just wasn't my time and God knew it. My time will come and I will have everything that I've ever wanted. A wonderful husband, amazing kids, the family I've always dreamed of having. And it won't end up the way that my last experience with marriage, kids, and family did. I made a mistake jumping into a marriage with someone I didn't know. Next time I will make sure I make the right choices. It will be long term next time.

Why Me?

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I was very excited about it when I woke up because they was doing an ultrasound and I would get to see my precious baby again. Once I got there and they started the ultrasound everything went downhill. I could see the sac on the screen but their wasn't anything in it so I asked the woman doing the ultrasound if maybe that was the cyst that they had found on my ovaries during my last ultrasound. She replied with a no thats your placenta. My reply was where is my baby. She was quiet for a moment then she told me that she was only taking the pictures that the doctor would review the results for me. I knew something was wrong. If I would've known that this was going to happen I wouldn't have went to the doctor alone. But my mom was out of town and I had no one else that I wanted to be there with me so I decided to go by myself. After the ultrasound I was asked to wait in the waiting room. It was the longest 10-15 minutes of my life. Finally the nurse called me to the back and told put me in a room. I had been trying very hard not to let my emotions get the best of me in front of all the people in the waiting room and I finally broke down. The nurse was very nice and tried to make me feel better but I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't going to be good. I felt so alone. I wanted my mom to be there with me. Finally, the doctor come in and gave me the bad news. There was no fetus in the placenta and they wan't registering a heartbeat either. He said that he wanted me to come back in next week for another ultrasound and we would go from there but that it was likely if my body hadn't registered that I had lost my baby by then that I would have to have a D&C done. I was devastated. He said that he thought that the pregnancy had been all wrong from the beginning and that their was some chromosomal problem when the sperm and egg came together. This is the second baby that I have lost. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I mean I'm a religious person and I know God does everything for a reason and he won't put nothing on me that I can't handle but why? All I've ever wanted is to get married and have a baby. I left my husband because we could not get along and not long afterward I lost my baby. I feel like I am being punished for not trying harder to make my marriage work. My husband is not really a bad person I mean everyone makes mistakes. It just so happened that he and I brought out the worst in each other. We just wasn't meant to be. I really don't think that God is punishing me for that but sometimes that's how I feel. I've tried for so long to have a baby and I never could get pregnant. Finally, after I get married, I'm blessed with a pregnancy and only a few short weeks after I leave my husband I lose my baby. Technically I still haven't lost it but I saw the ultrasound and there is no baby there it was just an empty placenta. :( So should I still have hope that maybe the baby was hiding from the ultrasound tech? I don't think that I should put myself through that. I took it pretty hard yesterday when I found out but I'm doing much better now. I don't think it has fully hit me yet. Everytime I go to the bathroom I'm scared I'm going to finally miscarry and lose it all. It's kind of miserable. Today wasn't so bad I've only cried once and surprisingly writing this blog I'm not shedding any tears. I think it'll be a lot harder next week if they have to do the D&C because then I know it will finally be over. I don't know when I'll be able to get pregnant again. I hope that I do get to have kids though because there is nothing that I want more in life. I've always wanted kids. I believe that is the hardest part of this for me. Not knowing whether or not I'll ever be able to carry full term. My mom had the same problems. She had several miscarriages before and in between me and my sister. One of which she lost at five months. I'm glad that they caught this early on but still I was so looking forward to holding my little angel. To being a mother... I know my time will come eventually. I just want it all to happen right now. I will stay strong though. My baby is with God now. I didn't get to meet him/her but I'll meet them at Heaven's gate when I join him/her. That will be in the far future of course but I have to stay postive. I don't like being a negative person. I'm going to stay strong for myself and my angel. I only knew about him/her for about 7 weeks but I was the happiest I've ever been in those few short weeks. I can't let this bring me down though.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Starting Over

So, I totally deleted my previous post on this blog. The purpose for this blog is to express myself and get stuff off my mind. What's new? Well... I have had a very eventful last couple of months... Hmmm I guess I can begin with moving back to Washington in March. I was dating a very amazing guy from Mississippi and we broke up. Instead of working things out with him like I should have, I ran away and moved as far as I could get. BIG MISTAKE! What happened once I got to Washington? HA HA HA Not long after getting there I met a guy on a dating website... Some of you may know it.. Plentyoffish... Yea well the first message he sent me he said: "Let's get married, yes I'm being serious!" Instead of deleting it and never talking to him again I fell into the trap. About two weeks later we were married. Biggest mistake of my life. A month into the marriage I found out I was pregnant. I am currently 10 weeks and very excited about it of course. Things with my husband were great at first but slowly we started to learn things about each other that we just couldn't live with. Had we only gave the relationship time to begin with before getting married we probably would have discovered these things to begin with. I thought I loved him but I didn't. I loved the idea of being married. In May, things got really bad. Everyday was a constant fight and the stress was beginning to wear me down. I was scared I was going to have a miscarriage so I left my husband and I moved back to Louisiana. We are currently seperated. Due to Louisiana law I have to wait six months before I can file for a divorce. My baby is due in December. The stress level has gotten much better since I got home but my life is still a roller coster. It was before I got pregnant to but its worse now lol because of the hormones. I don't regret one second of it though. I can't wait for my baby to get here. My life is getting better and I know it will eventually come together. I have so much to look forward to. My mom is a big help :) Well I guess that's enough for now. I caught you up on my life. From now on I will focus this blog on the life of a pregnant woman :)) I doubt anyone will read it but I am doing it for myself. Writing things down is very helpful for me. If you do read it I hope you enjoy it. <3