Change...

Where do I even begin? A lot has been happening... Today makes exactly a month since I lost my baby :( I'm still taking the emotions day to day but I'm coping with it... My family and few friends have been a blessing in my time of need... and we can't forget about Papa Smurf (for those of you that don't know he's my stuffed penguin lol) July 15 made two months since my husband and I split up :( it was a very rough day for me... I was very upset the entire day and I kind of got to a point to where I wanted to work things out with him... The thought of going through a divorce at age 23 and after only being married for a month and a half scares me :( I don't like divorce and I don't want marriage to be like that for me... I want to find someone and settle down and I want it to last indefinitely... I didn't want to just throw in the towel so quickly like I was trying to do but when I brought it up to Steven he told me that he loved me and missed me but that we were better off just friends... Maybe he's right but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts and scares the heck out of me :(... Things with Michael and I are not the best I mean we've reached a wall... Whether or not we climb over it I suppose we'll see I'll definitely keep you updated... Its mostly just me because he's been great... I just think that maybe I jumped into another relationship much too fast after Steven and I didn't give myself time to properly get over him... I'm definitely NOT over him that's for sure... I admit Michael is a blessing... He's my boyfriend and my best friend and it would be completely awesome if we can get passed all of this but there's no way of knowing for sure... I really wish that I could just do me for a little while... Get myself together and then try and worry about being in a relationship... I find that very hard to do though because I don't like being alone... I'm so scared of becoming the crazy cat lady on the block lol... I want love and happiness... Michael thinks that he's letting me down but it isn't him... I'm letting myself down because I rush into things to quickly... Don't get me wrong I care about him I just think that we've only been together for a month and there has already been talk of marriage and kids and me moving AGAIN to be with him in Wisconsin... I'm scared to leave again :( Every time I leave I end up right back home shortly after... I try and move away and get on my feet and I'm knocked back down before I can even get back up... So I end up moving back home... The talk of marriage and kids is futuristic of course but its still much to soon to be talking about stuff like that... I mean first I lost my husband (my fault of course because I left him... big mistake) and then not long after I lost my baby... I've had marriage and "kids" and I lost it... Maybe this is God's way of telling me that it isn't the time for all that for me right now... I need to focus on Tiffany for a little while... Stop making my world revolve around my relationships... Time for me to help myself and stop waiting for someone else to help me... Becoming independent is very hard so definitely wish me luck and I need all the prayers I can get :/