Change...

Where do I even begin? A lot has been happening... Today makes exactly a month since I lost my baby :( I'm still taking the emotions day to day but I'm coping with it... My family and few friends have been a blessing in my time of need... and we can't forget about Papa Smurf (for those of you that don't know he's my stuffed penguin lol) July 15 made two months since my husband and I split up :( it was a very rough day for me... I was very upset the entire day and I kind of got to a point to where I wanted to work things out with him... The thought of going through a divorce at age 23 and after only being married for a month and a half scares me :( I don't like divorce and I don't want marriage to be like that for me... I want to find someone and settle down and I want it to last indefinitely... I didn't want to just throw in the towel so quickly like I was trying to do but when I brought it up to Steven he told me that he loved me and missed me but that we were better off just friends... Maybe he's right but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts and scares the heck out of me :(... Things with Michael and I are not the best I mean we've reached a wall... Whether or not we climb over it I suppose we'll see I'll definitely keep you updated... Its mostly just me because he's been great... I just think that maybe I jumped into another relationship much too fast after Steven and I didn't give myself time to properly get over him... I'm definitely NOT over him that's for sure... I admit Michael is a blessing... He's my boyfriend and my best friend and it would be completely awesome if we can get passed all of this but there's no way of knowing for sure... I really wish that I could just do me for a little while... Get myself together and then try and worry about being in a relationship... I find that very hard to do though because I don't like being alone... I'm so scared of becoming the crazy cat lady on the block lol... I want love and happiness... Michael thinks that he's letting me down but it isn't him... I'm letting myself down because I rush into things to quickly... Don't get me wrong I care about him I just think that we've only been together for a month and there has already been talk of marriage and kids and me moving AGAIN to be with him in Wisconsin... I'm scared to leave again :( Every time I leave I end up right back home shortly after... I try and move away and get on my feet and I'm knocked back down before I can even get back up... So I end up moving back home... The talk of marriage and kids is futuristic of course but its still much to soon to be talking about stuff like that... I mean first I lost my husband (my fault of course because I left him... big mistake) and then not long after I lost my baby... I've had marriage and "kids" and I lost it... Maybe this is God's way of telling me that it isn't the time for all that for me right now... I need to focus on Tiffany for a little while... Stop making my world revolve around my relationships... Time for me to help myself and stop waiting for someone else to help me... Becoming independent is very hard so definitely wish me luck and I need all the prayers I can get :/

Day From Hell!!

I don't know why but I've just been in one of those moods today... I woke up feeling all groggy from the sleeping medicine that I took last night to make me sleep... My nephew Aidan and "niece" Ali stayed with us for the last two days and they have been fighting non-stop the whole time lol driving me and my mom insane... Then I had a doctors appointment to checkup from the D&C they did two weeks ago... I was late (go figure)... They put me in the same room that they had me in when they gave me the results from the ultrasound saying I was going to lose the baby... I told my doctor how I've been feeling lately... I don't want to be around others and I stay locked up in my bedroom all by myself... The only person I want to have contact with is Michael... Well he decided to try me on antidepressants... Zoloft to be exact... The last time I was on antidepressants they made me more emotional than I was before I even started taking them... My psychiatrist in Washington told me that I didn't need medications because there was no chemical imbalance... I don't know but I guess I'm going to give it another go... I'm just ready to move with Michael because I miss him so much and it would've been really nice to have him there today... I'm lonely and I just want someone to hold me :(... I guess it won't be that hard to wait like two months but it still sucks... I'm thinking that the doctors visit is what spiraled my day into hell... Probably because they put me in that room and it brought back a lot of pain... After we left the doctors office we brought Aidan home to my sister and then came home ourselves... My back was killing me from all the riding we had to do... Apparently Michael hasn't had a good day either because when I got home and called him he had a lot to tell... I felt bad because I started an argument with him that never should have been started to begin with... I was being selfish :(... We made up of course and it didn't last long but I still feel bad for taking my bad day out on him because it was obvious he was having a bad day as well... I had a nice long cry and then tried to fix things with him... It wouldn't have been so bad if we could have just been there for each and not so far apart but all in due time... I'm just glad he didn't run away screaming like everyone else does when I have a bad day and take it out on them... My mom has even had to deal with my moodiness today... I've been a little too snappy for my own good... So once again I'm just going to stay shut up in my room lol... On top of everything that happened to me today, Michael's computer crashed so now I have to wait until it's fixed to Skype with him :( It's very very sad :( Things will get better though... It's just a bad day... Hopefully tomorrow will be much better <3 I'm sure it will be... But TODAY HAS DEFINITELY BEEN A DAY FROM HELL!!! LOL 

Looking Up

UPDATE: I'm still struggling, dealing with my miscarriage... I take it on a day to day basis... I'm not losing hope though because I know that when the time is right then I'll have kids... Now just wasn't the time... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for a checkup from the D&C... I hope it goes well... I finally got in touch with JAG about my divorce... They didn't tell me much but he said that I was entitled to money from Steven and that he should be giving me at least $700 a month until the divorce is finalized... JAG told me to write a letter to Steven's commander if he didn't start sending me any money... I don't really WANT anything from him but I need the help so I'm not going to turn it down... I still haven't told him that I'm seeing someone else yet because I was waiting for him to get the divorce papers filed first... We've talked about it and I told him that I hoped he could move on and find someone else... And I know he's on dating websites because I've found him on there just being curious... He's actively seeking another long term relationship and he isn't telling him that he's married... He doesn't even use his real name... He goes by Ray... I'm not even trying to use that against him though... I don't want there to be drama and I definitely don't want to have to go to court... I just want to sign the papers and have it all over with... JAG also told me that if Steven doesn't file for divorce then in October I can go file myself here in Louisiana... But I talked to Steven earlier today and he told me that he is going next week to talk to JAG where he is so hopefully they will be of more assistance than they were down here... I'm not going to play his games though... If he doesn't go talk to them or start sending me the money he's supposed to send me then I'm going to take matter's into my own hands... I'm tired of being walked all over... But off of that subject...


My life is looking up... I mentioned in prior posts that I was seeing someone... He just recently came down and visited me and we had an amazing time together... I have definitely fallen for him... Without a doubt...  I wish that I would've gave him a chance back when we were stationed together... Both of our lives could have been so much different... But I think that if we would've tried to have been together back then it wouldn't have worked out... I was a totally different person back then... I've changed quite a bit over the last couple of years... I'm finally becoming the woman that I want to be... I see a very bright future for me and Michael though... He's asked me to move up to Wisconsin with him in September/October when he gets his own place and I told him that I would... I'm very much looking forward to it... He only left yesterday and I miss him already... I was proud of myself... When we dropped him off at the airport I didn't cry :) I really don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him though... I was starting to slip into this depression when I first found out I was going to lose my baby and he brought me back up and was there for me... And he's been there for me everyday since then... Keeping me positive and giving me hope for the future... I would probably be an emotional wreck everyday if I didn't have him and I'm very grateful that GOD answered my prayers and finally sent me such a great guy... I really am starting to believe that he's my soul mate... he's everything that I've ever wanted and so much more and when I'm with him I feel complete like there's no where else in the world I'd rather be... He's my best friend... I see a very bright future for us indeed!!... My heart was broken and tattered and he's taken it and began to help it heal... I trust that he will never hurt me... He already treats me like a queen... I don't think I've ever been with anyone that treated me so good... I'll never let this one get away... I hope that their are many more blogs about him on here... MANY MANY MORE!!! <3

I Won't Ever Give Up

So I'm supposed to be "taking it easy" for a little while to recuperate from the surgery... I don't want to take it easy... I just want to wake up from this nightmare and still have my baby growing in my belly... All I've ever wanted was a baby and I finally had one and it was taken away from me... I know I will have other children but I'm ready to be a mommy now... It hurts to think about being so close to having my wonderful bundle of joy and then all of a sudden its gone... So I talked to my husband for the first time since we seperated Friday night... I didn't notify him of the miscarriage because I was told I needed to wait until after he was finished his training... His mom ended up telling him though... He called me and was very upset... I didn't realize it would affect him the way that it did... I regret not sending him a Red Cross message as soon as I found out  but I was only taking the advice of others... I guess I was cut out to be an Army wife after all... Talking to him brought back a lot of emotions but I still haven't changed my mind... I still want a divorce... I think he realizes this now too... He and I was just not meant to be together... I think that if we would've only waited a few weeks to get married then we both would of realized this ourselves... Instead we went against everyone telling us to hold off and jumped into getting married... Steven is a great person and I hope that we will be able to be friends when all of this is over with... I want him to find someone that will treat him right and someone he is meant to be with... I'm doing the same... I'm moving on with my life... I have a wonderful boyfriend and he treats me better than anyone has ever treated me in a relationship... Some people say that I am moving on to fast but the way I see it is I'm not... I was only married to Steven for about a month in a half... I only knew him for about two months... That was not nearly enough time to have an attachment to him... Yes he was my husband but most everyone will agree that our marriage never should've happened... I was hoping that when we split that we could just get it anulled but everyone I talked to about it said that we had to have a divorce... Regardless I don't regret meeting him, I don't regret being with him, and I will never ever regret getting pregnant by him... It was all lessons learned and I will forever cherish the baby that we never got to meet... I don't know what's going to happen with my new relationship... I'm not trying to rush into anything like I did with Steven but I am very happy right now... I hope that Steven has found or will find a happiness like I have with Michael... I've known him for a couple years now and he's always been a great guy... I was just blind and didn't see him in a romantic sort of way... Then right after I found out from the doctor that it was likely I was going to miscarry he was there for me when no one else wasn't... It was only on Skype of course but regardless he was there for me and when I didn't think a smile would cross my face he kept one there... It's a long distance relationship but if everything works out, you never know... I  might just move to where he is... We'll cross that bridge when we come to it :)... He's like my light at the end of the tunnel <3... There is hope for me yet... I will never give up on anything... On love... On having children... On anything... I can't let the trials and tribulations of life bring me down... I won't ever give up!!!

Miscarriage! :(

So Tuesday morning around 3 am I started cramping I ended up going back to sleep bc I was tired but then at around 6:30 I woke up again and the pain was unbearable... I went to the bathroom and realized that I was bleeding rather badly so I woke up my mother and she got a shower and we headed up to the emergency room. They took me back almost immediately. I'm glad we got there when we did bc the pain really started. They wouldn't give me anything for the pain until after they did the ultrasound and got the results back. It got so bad that they ended up having to give me morphine. I felt like I was in full labor. I was so grateful that my mom was there with me considering she had been on vacation when I found out that the baby wasn't there anymore. She had just gotten home from vacation on Monday. They wanted to give me pain medicine and send me home but I refused and requested that I be kept overnight until I could see my doctor the following day. I am definitely not one to tolerate pain so well. By around 4:00 my doctor come in and said that he was going to try and get me in for surgery so that he could get me home and out of the hospital. They put me under anestesia and before I knew it I was being wheeled into recovery. It all happened so fast. I can barely remember the events of the day except that I was in a lot of pain. I know my Aunt, Cousin, and my cousin's little girl (my niece) came to visit. And when I come out of surgery my dad had come to make sure I was okay. I am so grateful for the family that I have. It has been very hard to stay strong through this but from the support of my family and the best man a woman can ever ask for I have been able to hold my head up and not let it bring me down. Don't get me wrong I have my moments where I just want to break down but then I think about it and I know my baby is is a better place. I also know that this isn't the end for me and that I will have a baby one day, hopefully more than one. Now just wasn't my time and God knew it. My time will come and I will have everything that I've ever wanted. A wonderful husband, amazing kids, the family I've always dreamed of having. And it won't end up the way that my last experience with marriage, kids, and family did. I made a mistake jumping into a marriage with someone I didn't know. Next time I will make sure I make the right choices. It will be long term next time.

Why Me?

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I was very excited about it when I woke up because they was doing an ultrasound and I would get to see my precious baby again. Once I got there and they started the ultrasound everything went downhill. I could see the sac on the screen but their wasn't anything in it so I asked the woman doing the ultrasound if maybe that was the cyst that they had found on my ovaries during my last ultrasound. She replied with a no thats your placenta. My reply was where is my baby. She was quiet for a moment then she told me that she was only taking the pictures that the doctor would review the results for me. I knew something was wrong. If I would've known that this was going to happen I wouldn't have went to the doctor alone. But my mom was out of town and I had no one else that I wanted to be there with me so I decided to go by myself. After the ultrasound I was asked to wait in the waiting room. It was the longest 10-15 minutes of my life. Finally the nurse called me to the back and told put me in a room. I had been trying very hard not to let my emotions get the best of me in front of all the people in the waiting room and I finally broke down. The nurse was very nice and tried to make me feel better but I could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't going to be good. I felt so alone. I wanted my mom to be there with me. Finally, the doctor come in and gave me the bad news. There was no fetus in the placenta and they wan't registering a heartbeat either. He said that he wanted me to come back in next week for another ultrasound and we would go from there but that it was likely if my body hadn't registered that I had lost my baby by then that I would have to have a D&C done. I was devastated. He said that he thought that the pregnancy had been all wrong from the beginning and that their was some chromosomal problem when the sperm and egg came together. This is the second baby that I have lost. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I mean I'm a religious person and I know God does everything for a reason and he won't put nothing on me that I can't handle but why? All I've ever wanted is to get married and have a baby. I left my husband because we could not get along and not long afterward I lost my baby. I feel like I am being punished for not trying harder to make my marriage work. My husband is not really a bad person I mean everyone makes mistakes. It just so happened that he and I brought out the worst in each other. We just wasn't meant to be. I really don't think that God is punishing me for that but sometimes that's how I feel. I've tried for so long to have a baby and I never could get pregnant. Finally, after I get married, I'm blessed with a pregnancy and only a few short weeks after I leave my husband I lose my baby. Technically I still haven't lost it but I saw the ultrasound and there is no baby there it was just an empty placenta. :( So should I still have hope that maybe the baby was hiding from the ultrasound tech? I don't think that I should put myself through that. I took it pretty hard yesterday when I found out but I'm doing much better now. I don't think it has fully hit me yet. Everytime I go to the bathroom I'm scared I'm going to finally miscarry and lose it all. It's kind of miserable. Today wasn't so bad I've only cried once and surprisingly writing this blog I'm not shedding any tears. I think it'll be a lot harder next week if they have to do the D&C because then I know it will finally be over. I don't know when I'll be able to get pregnant again. I hope that I do get to have kids though because there is nothing that I want more in life. I've always wanted kids. I believe that is the hardest part of this for me. Not knowing whether or not I'll ever be able to carry full term. My mom had the same problems. She had several miscarriages before and in between me and my sister. One of which she lost at five months. I'm glad that they caught this early on but still I was so looking forward to holding my little angel. To being a mother... I know my time will come eventually. I just want it all to happen right now. I will stay strong though. My baby is with God now. I didn't get to meet him/her but I'll meet them at Heaven's gate when I join him/her. That will be in the far future of course but I have to stay postive. I don't like being a negative person. I'm going to stay strong for myself and my angel. I only knew about him/her for about 7 weeks but I was the happiest I've ever been in those few short weeks. I can't let this bring me down though.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Starting Over

So, I totally deleted my previous post on this blog. The purpose for this blog is to express myself and get stuff off my mind. What's new? Well... I have had a very eventful last couple of months... Hmmm I guess I can begin with moving back to Washington in March. I was dating a very amazing guy from Mississippi and we broke up. Instead of working things out with him like I should have, I ran away and moved as far as I could get. BIG MISTAKE! What happened once I got to Washington? HA HA HA Not long after getting there I met a guy on a dating website... Some of you may know it.. Plentyoffish... Yea well the first message he sent me he said: "Let's get married, yes I'm being serious!" Instead of deleting it and never talking to him again I fell into the trap. About two weeks later we were married. Biggest mistake of my life. A month into the marriage I found out I was pregnant. I am currently 10 weeks and very excited about it of course. Things with my husband were great at first but slowly we started to learn things about each other that we just couldn't live with. Had we only gave the relationship time to begin with before getting married we probably would have discovered these things to begin with. I thought I loved him but I didn't. I loved the idea of being married. In May, things got really bad. Everyday was a constant fight and the stress was beginning to wear me down. I was scared I was going to have a miscarriage so I left my husband and I moved back to Louisiana. We are currently seperated. Due to Louisiana law I have to wait six months before I can file for a divorce. My baby is due in December. The stress level has gotten much better since I got home but my life is still a roller coster. It was before I got pregnant to but its worse now lol because of the hormones. I don't regret one second of it though. I can't wait for my baby to get here. My life is getting better and I know it will eventually come together. I have so much to look forward to. My mom is a big help :) Well I guess that's enough for now. I caught you up on my life. From now on I will focus this blog on the life of a pregnant woman :)) I doubt anyone will read it but I am doing it for myself. Writing things down is very helpful for me. If you do read it I hope you enjoy it. <3